So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
