I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
