i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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