Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
