I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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