so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
