i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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