Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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