At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
