I heard we made out
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
