"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
