someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
