I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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