I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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