it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
