i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
