There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
