i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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