My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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