what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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