3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
