An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
