I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
