standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
