I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize