he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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