wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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