i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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