my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
