If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
