I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
