i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
