She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize