so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
