the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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