I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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