I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
