if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
