Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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