Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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