WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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