I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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