Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
