Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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