It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
