good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
