So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
