The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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