I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize