just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
