No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
pray to the hookup gods
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
