Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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