She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
