he wants to bone in the snuggie
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
