I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
