i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
