I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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