Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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