also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
