i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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