I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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