If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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